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Submitted on
March 8, 2007
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It was never quite what you promised me
when we lay in wet grass
talking, swearing, loving;
back when dew soaked through denim
and night-time air filled lungs with ice,
when it left me feeling cold.

Those days, suns set around us
as we huddled close together,
fingertips piercing skin.
The marks of your teeth were left on my arm
for days, red and jagged,
a reminder of what we had done.
Haunting me, whispering
why do you always have to hide?

I was nothing then
but you made me hunger and breathe in,
everyday praying that I could be something better,
more,
enough.

It was never quite what you promised me -
sweet words that dissolved like sugar on my eager tongue
and stained my insides like iodine;
arms protecting me from the harsh world,
and slipping under defences and clothing
with a frightening efficiency.

I was purple and blue,
soft and squashy,
and dressed up in long black eyelashes.

Innocence was lost that year
and you waved it goodbye with a smirk on your face,
eyes narrowed the way they should be.

And darling,
you have to know it was you
who forced me to grow up, and realise
your promises were nothing
but lies.
the end bothers me.
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:iconsilverrainbows:
silverrainbows Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2007
hmm. i like this, but i agree about the ending.

it feels too...blunt. the rest of the piece is so poetic; you allude to things clearly but not directly. the ending doesn't really do that.

maybe, if this is a nonfiction piece, the ending was too painful, so you just jotted it down quickly;

i don't really know. but the rest of the piece is so excellent. i'd just take a second look at it.

endings are hard - i always struggle with them myself.

how does one end something as beautiful as poetry? especially - poetry about something as beautiful as love?

well done, anyway :)
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:iconchelsea-chic:
chelsea-chic Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2007
I agree with you completely. I actually like this one, but I hate the ending and I've never been able to come up with something that sounded right. Any ideas?
Thanks very much for the comment anyway =)
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:iconsilverrainbows:
silverrainbows Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2007
hmm. i'm really bad at suggesting how other writers should improve their writing, because i'm not in their head, obviously.

but if i were you, i wouldn't end on the word "lies..." i would just make it "lies." and then i would add another stanza probably, about how you feel now maybe. i guess i just don't like ending with "lies..." because it feels inconclusive. the "s" sound and the "..." just make it trail off into nothing, and maybe that's the effect you wanted, but it feels...unfinished to me.

just my two cents :)
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:iconchelsea-chic:
chelsea-chic Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2007
Yes that's true.
Thing is, it kind of is unfinished...
But I see how annoying that is in a poem. Hmm. I'll have a think about it anyway, thank you! =)
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:iconsilverrainbows:
silverrainbows Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2007
no problem, hope i helped :)
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:iconchelsea-chic:
chelsea-chic Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2007
You did, thanks =)
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